Friday, February 18, 2011

you told me this gets harder, well it did.

ahhhh. fml. for real.

As i'm typing this my abdominal wall is on fire. Last night I binged. Not really though. I just ate food and freaked out. So I ate more food and then puked.

And now I pay the price.

I can't do this anymore!!! I feel like a has-been. Like I had my shot at being skinny and I threw it away, or missed it, or whatever. And now I'm stuck being fat and miserable and eating and hating that I eat and not even feeling like I deserve to be miserable b/c I'm too fat to deserve anything.

My mom was supposed to go out of town last night and she almost stayed home with me, because she told me I had to go to the psychiatrist today. And I had a freak out. I would rather die than go talk to that woman. I know I need my meds, but my mom can get them for me. What do I need her for? I don't want to tell her anything. I have a therapist for that. And its a fucking miracle I talk to her.

I don't really want to make new plans right now, because I'm in such a state. I have to hang out with friends today and tomorrow. I really don't want to do either. I'm not eating with them. I'm done with eating in public to seem "normal". It ALWAYS fucks me over. I'm going to try to get out of some of my commitments. It all feels like way too much and I have so much to do and i can't handle it all!

-sigh- well I have 2 tests today, otherwise I'd be taking a mental health day. I just want to lie in my bed and watch Bones and pretend I don't exist.

It sucks to want to die but to think you can't yet b/c you aren't thin enough.
But don't worry about me. Im just having one of those days. In a few hours I'll forget all about it and think of how silly I am.


  1. sorry ur havinga bad day hun
    we all have those
    and ur not a hasbeen ur body ifj ust fighting mine fights mea ll the time
    stay strong

  2. Hope your day gets better. <3 I know what you mean about not wanting to go out with friends. Food (and fear of food) has turned me into a total hermit.