Sunday, February 13, 2011

an update on life.

Well first I'll just put this out there. I weigh 102 lbs at 5'1". MY GOD I'M A WHALE. My lowest weight is 90 lbs. I NEED 80 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've fallen into this cycle of overeating and then not eating but overeating again and I've been stuck here since November-ish. I've gone up to about 105 but it levels out at about 102. IN FACT I am just coming off of two HORRENDOUS eating days and therefore have decided not to eat ANY food until I am 99 lbs. Its only 3 lbs. How long can that take on no calories? If I'm even fasting capacity being low. Because I suck. So there we have it, a confession of my sins.

I am going to see MCR in May, I have to be thin for that. And I am going for a 10-day seminar course thing at a college in another state in June. Gotta be REALLY thin for that. Time to stop fucking around. I want toothpick arms and thighs that I can't make touch. I want to be so flat chested I never have to wear a bra. I want hollow cheeks and blue fingernails.

Effectively, I want to destroy myself. I've become much more suicidal lately. I've decided starvation is the best method really. I just suck at it.

But I digress...

J and I became 'official' early December. By then I already knew he wasn't for me. We were really only meant to be friends. You know, my favorite teacher, my anatomy teacher, told me that if you don't like the way a person smells, you'll never make it with them. Ever since he said that he's been right. J doesn't smell bad, I just.....he smells wrong. Yes I am a freak who walks around smelling people. Also he has no fucking clue what he is doing. Kissing him is like kissing a goldfish. So I broke up with him this week, actually, after a benign two months. All we ever did was hang out. Being a couple was like being friends who made out. And I don't want to make out with him. He was not particularly happy about it. He told me if I wanted to start again we could. Fat chance. God I'm such a cold-hearted bitch. I ruin everyone's life, everyone I get close to.

Which brings me to point number 3. My best guy friend, we shall call C, and I kind of lost track of each other while I was wasting time with J, but we've reconnected. He is in love with me, has been since sophomore year and I know it, though he isn't aware. He doesn't pressure. He makes it very clear to everyone that we are just friends. But I still know. And I find myself thinking about him more and more. Everyday. I think I may be interested in him. We made plans to hang out more, maybe today. But I can't let myself go there. Because he is a good guy. And I will break his fucking heart.

Okay. Long post. Im done now. I lost all my followers so doubt anyone will read it (I wouldn't read such a long boring post, but I'm just lazy). But here it is.

1 comment:

  1. im following ur blog now hunny :)
    and ur not a whale 102 isnt a whale at all