Saturday, February 26, 2011

lettuce leaf?

Well last night I didn't binge, but I felt like I kind of ruined my good day. By last night I mean around 1-2 am when I should have been asleep b/c I know better. This just reaffirms for me that I need to go to bed at 8 and wake up at 4-5 am like I used to. The problem is keeping that habit on weekends. HOWEVER the scale still saw fit to be -0.4 lbs this morning. Score.

I just got done reading Absolute Boyfriend Mangas XP I ordered the set from amazon when I stumbled upon them in B&N. I remember reading them with my friends in 7th grade and they were so cute and brought back memories ^^ You may all proceed to judge me. I think you will find I fit in the nerd category quite well.

I also finished this book:

Yeah I know the covers a bit off-putting and don't worry, the story is as well. But it was so good! I'd totally recommend it. Its about an hermaphrodite raised as a boy and hiding this girl inside and trying to find a balance between the two and its set in Labrador and the writing is so beautiful and prosaic and I really loved it. But then again I would. lol

Today I will probably hide in my room and read books and watch netflix and maybe do some writing. I've got this story in my head that is dying to get out but it doesn't seem to want to come quietly.

Oh and also I have therapy. THAT should be good. My mom looked at my food diary and said "hey, at least your eating" but my therapist will probably not be so kind. My mom has struggled with the same things I have her whole life and she understands how nothing can ever be right until you weigh what you want. So she doesn't interfere or support, she mostly stays out of it.

But I am having trouble making my therapist understand that recovery is not something I am after. Recover from Bulimia yes, recover from binge eating, yes. Recover from depression, yes PLEASE. But Ana and I are quite chummy and I am not giving her up.

p.s. i'd really like to start reading more manga. Anyone can recommend a good series? pleaseandthankyou.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

que sera sera....

Wow. I feel really good. I've upped my dose of wellbutrin in recent days per Dr. Mom's orders and I just feel great. I've had damn near perfect eating the last few days and I should hit 99 in a few days here if I can keep it up. For example today i've only eating about 400 calories and plan on going to bed really soon.

Yesterday I went to bed at 8pm and slept in til 6. So upwards of 10 hours slept. THAT IS FUCKING UNHEARD OF IN MY HOUSE. I do not sleep. I either wake up 50x per night or never fall asleep or wakeup at 3 am and never sleep. I've been known to just say fuck it and pull an unintended all-nighter and then go to school like that. So i'm pretty giddy. Going to bed early = less time for eating.

I'm gradually going to start waking myself up earlier. If I keep going to bed at 8pm I should be able to start waking up at 4 am which is what my old schedule used to be last year. For some reason this school year screwed it up, but I really love waking up early. Something about being alone, in the dark of the morning. Its like nobody's home and the world is mine alone. I can pretend I live by myself for a little while.

Always a happy thought.

Ugh. that girl is texting me again. You remember (or maybe not) the one who like, stalks me? She caught me outside my class and handed me her new cellphone and asked me to put in my number. What was I supposed to do? This sucks. She texts me all the fucking time!!! I don't even like her! Like honestly, I can't imagine any scenario in which we would be friends. Its not like I think I'm better or anything, its just we have like, zero things to talk about, zero shared interests. And also, I'm pretty sure she is a lesbian.

Now before anyone goes all gay-rights on me, you should know that I have gay friends. Its just that none of them want to date ME. And all of my friends keep telling me that the amount of attention she pays to me is not just her being friendly. Oh dear.

Well its a good thing I'm about a foot taller than her. Kind of puts a damper on any of her would-be stalker plans in my paranoid fantasy world XP

ouch. long post. I obviously owe you guys some pictures.

oh the collar bones *heart*

you know you can.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Oh hello there ;-) My eating has been glorious the last 2 days. I got told to keep a food diary by my therapist after I got into an argument with mom b/c the woman came home with an entire Kangaroo gas station full of pink fluffy fatty processed CRAP with the words I WANT YOU TO BINGE AND BE FAT written all over it.

SO, i guess when you have a food diary and you KNOW someone will look at it you want it to be good. She says she wants to come up with an eating "plan" but i'm just going to keep on with my anyone here is going to stop me?

The last time I got down to 90 lbs no one cared...i wasn't that skinny. No one is going to intervene until i get down into the lower 80's....even then wtf are they going to do? My mom says she'd throw me in the hospital, but I swear she's bluffing. She has no follow through, never has.

Oh God I need 80 lbs.

Last few days=meh. stressing over what classes to take (calculus, physics, AP bio, ACK!). Yesterday I drafted my research paper, and I think it was pretty awesome. Its a literary analysis of allusion on MY FAVORITEST POEM EVER "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock". But there's that tiny part of me that thinks its total crap and I'm a terrible failure.

and now for the dance portion:

Sasha Pivovarova is my absolute, hands down, no contest FAVORITE thinspo/model ever.

mmmm, yes PLEASE XP

haha I just noticed all my pictures were of blondes.....

Saturday, February 19, 2011

I learned my passion in the good old fashioned school of loverboys

gah! i thought they'd never leave! My friends came over to watch scary movies in my basement, b/c its all dark and awesome. Then everyone was such pussies about it! Except C, my guy friend I mentioned before. They all didn't want to watch something "really" scary and didn't wanna turn the lights off or anything! I FINALLY made them at least watch The Haunting in Connecticut, which is pretty scary. It makes me jump a few times, makes you not wanna look sometimes. Decent.

So while C and my girlfriend Y left between 5-6 window (everyone got here at noon, again, bunch of wimps) the other two didn't leave till now, 8 pm ish. I hate that. This is why I don't invite people to my house. How do you get them to leave?!

DING DING DING-you don't feed them.

Ha they still could have left earlier, like when we ran out of movies that anyone had the balls to watch and stupid things to chat about. But I could hear their stomachs. They invited me to go eat fast food, but I naturally declined.

Which brings me to my new plan. I will only eat safe foods. I will only eat when I'm hungry (and stop when full!). I will come in under 500 calories. 300 calories preferred. And I am not letting friends or anyone con me into "extras". When I say safe foods only, I mean it.

At this point I don't care how fast the weight comes off. When I try too hard to make impossible things happen, I make the situation worse. I will be happy as long as I am actively losing weight. Which I will be.

Lastly, thank you SO SO much Dani and Mich, for your kind words that I so needed to hear. XP

glam/fashion thinspo:

Friday, February 18, 2011

you told me this gets harder, well it did.

ahhhh. fml. for real.

As i'm typing this my abdominal wall is on fire. Last night I binged. Not really though. I just ate food and freaked out. So I ate more food and then puked.

And now I pay the price.

I can't do this anymore!!! I feel like a has-been. Like I had my shot at being skinny and I threw it away, or missed it, or whatever. And now I'm stuck being fat and miserable and eating and hating that I eat and not even feeling like I deserve to be miserable b/c I'm too fat to deserve anything.

My mom was supposed to go out of town last night and she almost stayed home with me, because she told me I had to go to the psychiatrist today. And I had a freak out. I would rather die than go talk to that woman. I know I need my meds, but my mom can get them for me. What do I need her for? I don't want to tell her anything. I have a therapist for that. And its a fucking miracle I talk to her.

I don't really want to make new plans right now, because I'm in such a state. I have to hang out with friends today and tomorrow. I really don't want to do either. I'm not eating with them. I'm done with eating in public to seem "normal". It ALWAYS fucks me over. I'm going to try to get out of some of my commitments. It all feels like way too much and I have so much to do and i can't handle it all!

-sigh- well I have 2 tests today, otherwise I'd be taking a mental health day. I just want to lie in my bed and watch Bones and pretend I don't exist.

It sucks to want to die but to think you can't yet b/c you aren't thin enough.
But don't worry about me. Im just having one of those days. In a few hours I'll forget all about it and think of how silly I am.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

i wear this on my sleeve.,,

all my fasting has been good. The only slip up was at one am in a seroquel-induced stupor I made myself a sandwich. Haha luckily I had the presence of mind to make an ana-friendly one. Low cal bread+hummus+deli meat=around 150 calories. And today I ate one tiny strawberry cake. My only other calories are from a few cups of almond milk. Negligible calories at 40 calories per cup. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything though. I have to keep this up. After today I'll move to eating very small amounts of low calories things to keep from binging. And onward and onward and downward and downward. I'm pretty unhappy about this weekend. The next 3 days I have things going on that will require me to eat. I will have to have control.


This morning I asked my mom to take a picture of my butt. I just wanted to know what it looked like!! She knows about my issues, but not that I aspire to be an anorectic. She doesn't know that quite often I wanted to kill myself with anorexia. Only when I forget to take my meds. Dammit. I hate it when your meds work and you know that they work so if your crazy its your own damn fault for not taking them.

So mommy took the picture and as I'm blowing a sprocket over it (because we all know I should have known better than to have photographic proof of my unacceptability) she says "You have such a good figure. Its a shame you don't see it that way."

It is a shame.

Its a shame that I can't see myself clearly.
Its a shame that I've declared war on my body.
Its a shame that I measure my worth in pounds lost.
Its a shame that I'm fat.

Damn shame.

So all day was pretty meh. I nearly murdered a guy in English class. He's one of those people that is both ridiculously stupid and also touchy. I react to those kinds of people in a special way. My battle strategy consists of (a) making them feel as stupid as possible and (b) insulting them at every turn. ONLY because he gets so upset when I insult him. Its like he's BEGGING for it. Haha I'm a bitch and I love it.

So how bout some thinspo to end a slightly morose post. Sorry. I promise to be funnier next time. Today was very pensive.

its pretty random:

is this Isabelle Caro? I can't tell. A little TOO thin perhaps but I wouldn't mind. Not like I'm ever going to be in danger of that.

Monday, February 14, 2011

then wear the gold hat it that will move her...

Ugh. Valentine's day fuckin' ASSAULTED my fast. People gave me candy and cupcakes and we had a party in Spanish class and there was pizza at work and Mom's BF is making tacos here. RAWR but it could have been worse. I could have binged. I have gotten away with pretty bare minimum. It will only stunt my weight loss. As if this whole weekend hadn't done that!

No matter. Tomorrow and Wednesday=fast. Preferably just water. But other zero calorie things if necessary. Thursday is an academic meet so I have to eat lunch with people. But that will be my only food that day. And Friday I made plans (last week when my eating was good) to meet up with friends at a pizza joint. So that will be my only food that day. And the fasting continues until I hit 99 lbs. And we'll go from there.

Poor J. At my school you have to submit Valentine messages to the Newspaper like 2-3 weeks in advance and he put one in for me. I'm sure he was embarrassed, but it only said Happy Valentines Day Ash, from J. Could've been worse. People kept pointing it out to me. I found it rather comical. God I'm a heartless bitch.

The sad thing is that I'm slightly proud of that fact.

All in all, I had a good day. I'm not one of those people who hates on Valentines day. Its not just about couples. It reminds me of all the friends and family who love me too. I made my mom this card:
and I wrote the message in calligraphy (gothic script). I also gave her a reese's peanut butter heart (the BIG kind) and made her a croquembouche for her and her boyfriend's Valentines day dessert. I know. I'm the greatest daughter ever. But its cool cuz my mom rocks.

I'm soooper tired. I slept 2 hours Saturday. And last night apparently wasn't penance enough. I am going to write up my chemistry lab and maybe read a bit and watch some BONES (i fucking love that show) and go to sleep. I have this new rule that I have to go to bed by 9pm. It helps with night-eating, a huge issue for me. I'm trying to move it up even earlier to 8 but its hard with me getting home 6-7 every day after work.

So tell me about YOUR valentines day XP

So h

Sunday, February 13, 2011

an update on life.

Well first I'll just put this out there. I weigh 102 lbs at 5'1". MY GOD I'M A WHALE. My lowest weight is 90 lbs. I NEED 80 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've fallen into this cycle of overeating and then not eating but overeating again and I've been stuck here since November-ish. I've gone up to about 105 but it levels out at about 102. IN FACT I am just coming off of two HORRENDOUS eating days and therefore have decided not to eat ANY food until I am 99 lbs. Its only 3 lbs. How long can that take on no calories? If I'm even fasting capacity being low. Because I suck. So there we have it, a confession of my sins.

I am going to see MCR in May, I have to be thin for that. And I am going for a 10-day seminar course thing at a college in another state in June. Gotta be REALLY thin for that. Time to stop fucking around. I want toothpick arms and thighs that I can't make touch. I want to be so flat chested I never have to wear a bra. I want hollow cheeks and blue fingernails.

Effectively, I want to destroy myself. I've become much more suicidal lately. I've decided starvation is the best method really. I just suck at it.

But I digress...

J and I became 'official' early December. By then I already knew he wasn't for me. We were really only meant to be friends. You know, my favorite teacher, my anatomy teacher, told me that if you don't like the way a person smells, you'll never make it with them. Ever since he said that he's been right. J doesn't smell bad, I just.....he smells wrong. Yes I am a freak who walks around smelling people. Also he has no fucking clue what he is doing. Kissing him is like kissing a goldfish. So I broke up with him this week, actually, after a benign two months. All we ever did was hang out. Being a couple was like being friends who made out. And I don't want to make out with him. He was not particularly happy about it. He told me if I wanted to start again we could. Fat chance. God I'm such a cold-hearted bitch. I ruin everyone's life, everyone I get close to.

Which brings me to point number 3. My best guy friend, we shall call C, and I kind of lost track of each other while I was wasting time with J, but we've reconnected. He is in love with me, has been since sophomore year and I know it, though he isn't aware. He doesn't pressure. He makes it very clear to everyone that we are just friends. But I still know. And I find myself thinking about him more and more. Everyday. I think I may be interested in him. We made plans to hang out more, maybe today. But I can't let myself go there. Because he is a good guy. And I will break his fucking heart.

Okay. Long post. Im done now. I lost all my followers so doubt anyone will read it (I wouldn't read such a long boring post, but I'm just lazy). But here it is.

im back. im fat. remember me?

I have to come back. I'm fat. Take me back. Please? I've missed you. Recovery isn't possible for me. I have to lose this weight. I've been following you guys from behind the curtains for the last few months. I wanted to come back almost as soon as I left, but honestly I was so ashamed of my fatness that I wouldn't let myself. But I love you guys too much. And I need you all. I've started a new blog (the old one was Ash Cloud) So...if anyone remembers a little blonde girl named ash....she's back.