Wednesday, March 2, 2011

lass uns laufen

quick post. mostly thinspo. I have nothing interesting to say really. except that I'm getting freaking serious and I'm tired of doing good all week and then screwing it all up on the weekend. Like i did last weekend. AND SO, i shall not be posting until I weigh 99 lbs. Which will not be long, as long as I am applied. I'll still be reading blogs and commenting, of course. And email, you can always email me for anything. Knowing I have you guys waiting on me will ensure that I make this happen.

Onwards and upwards darlings XP

Saturday, February 26, 2011

lettuce leaf?

Well last night I didn't binge, but I felt like I kind of ruined my good day. By last night I mean around 1-2 am when I should have been asleep b/c I know better. This just reaffirms for me that I need to go to bed at 8 and wake up at 4-5 am like I used to. The problem is keeping that habit on weekends. HOWEVER the scale still saw fit to be -0.4 lbs this morning. Score.

I just got done reading Absolute Boyfriend Mangas XP I ordered the set from amazon when I stumbled upon them in B&N. I remember reading them with my friends in 7th grade and they were so cute and brought back memories ^^ You may all proceed to judge me. I think you will find I fit in the nerd category quite well.

I also finished this book:

Yeah I know the covers a bit off-putting and don't worry, the story is as well. But it was so good! I'd totally recommend it. Its about an hermaphrodite raised as a boy and hiding this girl inside and trying to find a balance between the two and its set in Labrador and the writing is so beautiful and prosaic and I really loved it. But then again I would. lol

Today I will probably hide in my room and read books and watch netflix and maybe do some writing. I've got this story in my head that is dying to get out but it doesn't seem to want to come quietly.

Oh and also I have therapy. THAT should be good. My mom looked at my food diary and said "hey, at least your eating" but my therapist will probably not be so kind. My mom has struggled with the same things I have her whole life and she understands how nothing can ever be right until you weigh what you want. So she doesn't interfere or support, she mostly stays out of it.

But I am having trouble making my therapist understand that recovery is not something I am after. Recover from Bulimia yes, recover from binge eating, yes. Recover from depression, yes PLEASE. But Ana and I are quite chummy and I am not giving her up.

p.s. i'd really like to start reading more manga. Anyone can recommend a good series? pleaseandthankyou.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

que sera sera....

Wow. I feel really good. I've upped my dose of wellbutrin in recent days per Dr. Mom's orders and I just feel great. I've had damn near perfect eating the last few days and I should hit 99 in a few days here if I can keep it up. For example today i've only eating about 400 calories and plan on going to bed really soon.

Yesterday I went to bed at 8pm and slept in til 6. So upwards of 10 hours slept. THAT IS FUCKING UNHEARD OF IN MY HOUSE. I do not sleep. I either wake up 50x per night or never fall asleep or wakeup at 3 am and never sleep. I've been known to just say fuck it and pull an unintended all-nighter and then go to school like that. So i'm pretty giddy. Going to bed early = less time for eating.

I'm gradually going to start waking myself up earlier. If I keep going to bed at 8pm I should be able to start waking up at 4 am which is what my old schedule used to be last year. For some reason this school year screwed it up, but I really love waking up early. Something about being alone, in the dark of the morning. Its like nobody's home and the world is mine alone. I can pretend I live by myself for a little while.

Always a happy thought.

Ugh. that girl is texting me again. You remember (or maybe not) the one who like, stalks me? She caught me outside my class and handed me her new cellphone and asked me to put in my number. What was I supposed to do? This sucks. She texts me all the fucking time!!! I don't even like her! Like honestly, I can't imagine any scenario in which we would be friends. Its not like I think I'm better or anything, its just we have like, zero things to talk about, zero shared interests. And also, I'm pretty sure she is a lesbian.

Now before anyone goes all gay-rights on me, you should know that I have gay friends. Its just that none of them want to date ME. And all of my friends keep telling me that the amount of attention she pays to me is not just her being friendly. Oh dear.

Well its a good thing I'm about a foot taller than her. Kind of puts a damper on any of her would-be stalker plans in my paranoid fantasy world XP

ouch. long post. I obviously owe you guys some pictures.

oh the collar bones *heart*

you know you can.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Oh hello there ;-) My eating has been glorious the last 2 days. I got told to keep a food diary by my therapist after I got into an argument with mom b/c the woman came home with an entire Kangaroo gas station full of pink fluffy fatty processed CRAP with the words I WANT YOU TO BINGE AND BE FAT written all over it.

SO, i guess when you have a food diary and you KNOW someone will look at it you want it to be good. She says she wants to come up with an eating "plan" but i'm just going to keep on with my anyone here is going to stop me?

The last time I got down to 90 lbs no one cared...i wasn't that skinny. No one is going to intervene until i get down into the lower 80's....even then wtf are they going to do? My mom says she'd throw me in the hospital, but I swear she's bluffing. She has no follow through, never has.

Oh God I need 80 lbs.

Last few days=meh. stressing over what classes to take (calculus, physics, AP bio, ACK!). Yesterday I drafted my research paper, and I think it was pretty awesome. Its a literary analysis of allusion on MY FAVORITEST POEM EVER "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock". But there's that tiny part of me that thinks its total crap and I'm a terrible failure.

and now for the dance portion:

Sasha Pivovarova is my absolute, hands down, no contest FAVORITE thinspo/model ever.

mmmm, yes PLEASE XP

haha I just noticed all my pictures were of blondes.....

Saturday, February 19, 2011

I learned my passion in the good old fashioned school of loverboys

gah! i thought they'd never leave! My friends came over to watch scary movies in my basement, b/c its all dark and awesome. Then everyone was such pussies about it! Except C, my guy friend I mentioned before. They all didn't want to watch something "really" scary and didn't wanna turn the lights off or anything! I FINALLY made them at least watch The Haunting in Connecticut, which is pretty scary. It makes me jump a few times, makes you not wanna look sometimes. Decent.

So while C and my girlfriend Y left between 5-6 window (everyone got here at noon, again, bunch of wimps) the other two didn't leave till now, 8 pm ish. I hate that. This is why I don't invite people to my house. How do you get them to leave?!

DING DING DING-you don't feed them.

Ha they still could have left earlier, like when we ran out of movies that anyone had the balls to watch and stupid things to chat about. But I could hear their stomachs. They invited me to go eat fast food, but I naturally declined.

Which brings me to my new plan. I will only eat safe foods. I will only eat when I'm hungry (and stop when full!). I will come in under 500 calories. 300 calories preferred. And I am not letting friends or anyone con me into "extras". When I say safe foods only, I mean it.

At this point I don't care how fast the weight comes off. When I try too hard to make impossible things happen, I make the situation worse. I will be happy as long as I am actively losing weight. Which I will be.

Lastly, thank you SO SO much Dani and Mich, for your kind words that I so needed to hear. XP

glam/fashion thinspo:

Friday, February 18, 2011

you told me this gets harder, well it did.

ahhhh. fml. for real.

As i'm typing this my abdominal wall is on fire. Last night I binged. Not really though. I just ate food and freaked out. So I ate more food and then puked.

And now I pay the price.

I can't do this anymore!!! I feel like a has-been. Like I had my shot at being skinny and I threw it away, or missed it, or whatever. And now I'm stuck being fat and miserable and eating and hating that I eat and not even feeling like I deserve to be miserable b/c I'm too fat to deserve anything.

My mom was supposed to go out of town last night and she almost stayed home with me, because she told me I had to go to the psychiatrist today. And I had a freak out. I would rather die than go talk to that woman. I know I need my meds, but my mom can get them for me. What do I need her for? I don't want to tell her anything. I have a therapist for that. And its a fucking miracle I talk to her.

I don't really want to make new plans right now, because I'm in such a state. I have to hang out with friends today and tomorrow. I really don't want to do either. I'm not eating with them. I'm done with eating in public to seem "normal". It ALWAYS fucks me over. I'm going to try to get out of some of my commitments. It all feels like way too much and I have so much to do and i can't handle it all!

-sigh- well I have 2 tests today, otherwise I'd be taking a mental health day. I just want to lie in my bed and watch Bones and pretend I don't exist.

It sucks to want to die but to think you can't yet b/c you aren't thin enough.
But don't worry about me. Im just having one of those days. In a few hours I'll forget all about it and think of how silly I am.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

i wear this on my sleeve.,,

all my fasting has been good. The only slip up was at one am in a seroquel-induced stupor I made myself a sandwich. Haha luckily I had the presence of mind to make an ana-friendly one. Low cal bread+hummus+deli meat=around 150 calories. And today I ate one tiny strawberry cake. My only other calories are from a few cups of almond milk. Negligible calories at 40 calories per cup. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything though. I have to keep this up. After today I'll move to eating very small amounts of low calories things to keep from binging. And onward and onward and downward and downward. I'm pretty unhappy about this weekend. The next 3 days I have things going on that will require me to eat. I will have to have control.


This morning I asked my mom to take a picture of my butt. I just wanted to know what it looked like!! She knows about my issues, but not that I aspire to be an anorectic. She doesn't know that quite often I wanted to kill myself with anorexia. Only when I forget to take my meds. Dammit. I hate it when your meds work and you know that they work so if your crazy its your own damn fault for not taking them.

So mommy took the picture and as I'm blowing a sprocket over it (because we all know I should have known better than to have photographic proof of my unacceptability) she says "You have such a good figure. Its a shame you don't see it that way."

It is a shame.

Its a shame that I can't see myself clearly.
Its a shame that I've declared war on my body.
Its a shame that I measure my worth in pounds lost.
Its a shame that I'm fat.

Damn shame.

So all day was pretty meh. I nearly murdered a guy in English class. He's one of those people that is both ridiculously stupid and also touchy. I react to those kinds of people in a special way. My battle strategy consists of (a) making them feel as stupid as possible and (b) insulting them at every turn. ONLY because he gets so upset when I insult him. Its like he's BEGGING for it. Haha I'm a bitch and I love it.

So how bout some thinspo to end a slightly morose post. Sorry. I promise to be funnier next time. Today was very pensive.

its pretty random:

is this Isabelle Caro? I can't tell. A little TOO thin perhaps but I wouldn't mind. Not like I'm ever going to be in danger of that.