Wednesday, February 16, 2011

i wear this on my sleeve.,,

all my fasting has been good. The only slip up was at one am in a seroquel-induced stupor I made myself a sandwich. Haha luckily I had the presence of mind to make an ana-friendly one. Low cal bread+hummus+deli meat=around 150 calories. And today I ate one tiny strawberry cake. My only other calories are from a few cups of almond milk. Negligible calories at 40 calories per cup. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything though. I have to keep this up. After today I'll move to eating very small amounts of low calories things to keep from binging. And onward and onward and downward and downward. I'm pretty unhappy about this weekend. The next 3 days I have things going on that will require me to eat. I will have to have control.


This morning I asked my mom to take a picture of my butt. I just wanted to know what it looked like!! She knows about my issues, but not that I aspire to be an anorectic. She doesn't know that quite often I wanted to kill myself with anorexia. Only when I forget to take my meds. Dammit. I hate it when your meds work and you know that they work so if your crazy its your own damn fault for not taking them.

So mommy took the picture and as I'm blowing a sprocket over it (because we all know I should have known better than to have photographic proof of my unacceptability) she says "You have such a good figure. Its a shame you don't see it that way."

It is a shame.

Its a shame that I can't see myself clearly.
Its a shame that I've declared war on my body.
Its a shame that I measure my worth in pounds lost.
Its a shame that I'm fat.

Damn shame.

So all day was pretty meh. I nearly murdered a guy in English class. He's one of those people that is both ridiculously stupid and also touchy. I react to those kinds of people in a special way. My battle strategy consists of (a) making them feel as stupid as possible and (b) insulting them at every turn. ONLY because he gets so upset when I insult him. Its like he's BEGGING for it. Haha I'm a bitch and I love it.

So how bout some thinspo to end a slightly morose post. Sorry. I promise to be funnier next time. Today was very pensive.

its pretty random:

is this Isabelle Caro? I can't tell. A little TOO thin perhaps but I wouldn't mind. Not like I'm ever going to be in danger of that.

1 comment:

  1. i woul dlove to b as thin as the last pic but i know that ifi ever was i prob would die from it so hmmm
    im realy gald that ur blogging again hun missed talking to u