then wear the gold hat it that will move her...

Ugh. Valentine's day fuckin' ASSAULTED my fast. People gave me candy and cupcakes and we had a party in Spanish class and there was pizza at work and Mom's BF is making tacos here. RAWR but it could have been worse. I could have binged. I have gotten away with pretty bare minimum. It will only stunt my weight loss. As if this whole weekend hadn't done that!

No matter. Tomorrow and Wednesday=fast. Preferably just water. But other zero calorie things if necessary. Thursday is an academic meet so I have to eat lunch with people. But that will be my only food that day. And Friday I made plans (last week when my eating was good) to meet up with friends at a pizza joint. So that will be my only food that day. And the fasting continues until I hit 99 lbs. And we'll go from there.

Poor J. At my school you have to submit Valentine messages to the Newspaper like 2-3 weeks in advance and he put one in for me. I'm sure he was embarrassed, but it only said Happy Valentines Day Ash, from J. Could've been worse. People kept pointing it out to me. I found it rather comical. God I'm a heartless bitch.

The sad thing is that I'm slightly proud of that fact.


All in all, I had a good day. I'm not one of those people who hates on Valentines day. Its not just about couples. It reminds me of all the friends and family who love me too. I made my mom this card:
and I wrote the message in calligraphy (gothic script). I also gave her a reese's peanut butter heart (the BIG kind) and made her a croquembouche for her and her boyfriend's Valentines day dessert. I know. I'm the greatest daughter ever. But its cool cuz my mom rocks.


I'm soooper tired. I slept 2 hours Saturday. And last night apparently wasn't penance enough. I am going to write up my chemistry lab and maybe read a bit and watch some BONES (i fucking love that show) and go to sleep. I have this new rule that I have to go to bed by 9pm. It helps with night-eating, a huge issue for me. I'm trying to move it up even earlier to 8 but its hard with me getting home 6-7 every day after work.

So tell me about YOUR valentines day XP

So h

an update on life.

Well first I'll just put this out there. I weigh 102 lbs at 5'1". MY GOD I'M A WHALE. My lowest weight is 90 lbs. I NEED 80 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've fallen into this cycle of overeating and then not eating but overeating again and I've been stuck here since November-ish. I've gone up to about 105 but it levels out at about 102. IN FACT I am just coming off of two HORRENDOUS eating days and therefore have decided not to eat ANY food until I am 99 lbs. Its only 3 lbs. How long can that take on no calories? If I'm even capable....my fasting capacity being low. Because I suck. So there we have it, a confession of my sins.

I am going to see MCR in May, I have to be thin for that. And I am going for a 10-day seminar course thing at a college in another state in June. Gotta be REALLY thin for that. Time to stop fucking around. I want toothpick arms and thighs that I can't make touch. I want to be so flat chested I never have to wear a bra. I want hollow cheeks and blue fingernails.

Effectively, I want to destroy myself. I've become much more suicidal lately. I've decided starvation is the best method really. I just suck at it.

But I digress...

J and I became 'official' early December. By then I already knew he wasn't for me. We were really only meant to be friends. You know, my favorite teacher, my anatomy teacher, told me that if you don't like the way a person smells, you'll never make it with them. Ever since he said that he's been right. J doesn't smell bad, I just.....he smells wrong. Yes I am a freak who walks around smelling people. Also he has no fucking clue what he is doing. Kissing him is like kissing a goldfish. So I broke up with him this week, actually, after a benign two months. All we ever did was hang out. Being a couple was like being friends who made out. And I don't want to make out with him. He was not particularly happy about it. He told me if I wanted to start again we could. Fat chance. God I'm such a cold-hearted bitch. I ruin everyone's life, everyone I get close to.

Which brings me to point number 3. My best guy friend, we shall call C, and I kind of lost track of each other while I was wasting time with J, but we've reconnected. He is in love with me, has been since sophomore year and I know it, though he isn't aware. He doesn't pressure. He makes it very clear to everyone that we are just friends. But I still know. And I find myself thinking about him more and more. Everyday. I think I may be interested in him. We made plans to hang out more, maybe today. But I can't let myself go there. Because he is a good guy. And I will break his fucking heart.

Okay. Long post. Im done now. I lost all my followers so doubt anyone will read it (I wouldn't read such a long boring post, but I'm just lazy). But here it is.

im back. im fat. remember me?

I have to come back. I'm fat. Take me back. Please? I've missed you. Recovery isn't possible for me. I have to lose this weight. I've been following you guys from behind the curtains for the last few months. I wanted to come back almost as soon as I left, but honestly I was so ashamed of my fatness that I wouldn't let myself. But I love you guys too much. And I need you all. I've started a new blog (the old one was Ash Cloud) So...if anyone remembers a little blonde girl named ash....she's back.